Sometimes looking back is easier than looking forward, but not for all the right reasons.
How do we know what the right reasons are though…?
To coin a phrase : “I’ll be f*cked if I know”…and that’s a fact.
Learning to love is essentially an introduction into learning to hate.
We hate ourselves, we hate others, we can hate timing, circumstances, people, life all the way up to and including pretty much everything we want to at some point, just to validate our reasons, and more often than not most of our hatred is misplaced.
Merely frustration and anger spilling out, like flames licking out from a window when our world burns down to the ground around us.
Hate isn’t always a bad thing though. It’s what allows us to grow, to see beyond the moment, the person, the timing of it all, and it allows us to be gracious for what we are, who and what we represent, and ultimately who and what we need in our lives.
The person we need in our lives the most is (Ourselves) and is more often than not completely overlooked and the last thing to fall into consideration as we dote on others or try and adapt to a potentially new way of life.
It’s easy to get caught up in the illusion of someone or something wonderful. To recklessly paper over the cracks as they appear, and to blindly wrap ourselves up in a vision of a beauty that exists only in our minds eye.
Often we make it what it is ourselves, reality rarely living up to an expectation we deserve or hope for, and yet helplessly we long for their presence regardless.
Emotions easily add to the allure and the hopes we desire reach out wholeheartedly in an effort to pull us in completely, a fool to ourselves, the victim to future circumstances, now set on a path of our own making.
For me, looking back is never a bad thing, despite sometimes being a painful thing to cope with. The past is just a precursor to the present and a forerunner to a future that can always change at any given moment.
In many way’s that’s the beauty of life. We just never know…
The pain and loss, the fear, memories of what could have been, sorely best where they will now always be, tucked away and hidden where able, soon to fade for good.
But are they…? Do they really ever fade?
Apparently it doesn’t. I find this out each and every day. Always waking from another nightmare and always wishing for the day to be my last as I wade through the motions of living, a prisoner to myself and lost to the turmoil that shapes my new dawn.
It’s potentially a blessing or a curse and it often depends on many factors as we are all unique in our ways. Either way, the hate we harness to survive sometimes gives us the strength we need, despite in many cases it probably having been better served loving the things we always hoped to in the first place.
A case of too much cake and yet not being able to eat any of it : Nil by mouth and always sadly so.
The tragedy is in the unknown, the mystery of a world that always passes us by, one day at a time, always testing us to our limits as we plough on, relentlessly onwards to new hopes and dreams.
Sometimes I feel it’s best not to dream, to not have to wake to the memories that still haunt my nights, and while the scars of this last year pain my mind deeply, the near death I endured equally damaged me in ways I’m still trying to understand.
One can’t survive without the other and one doesn’t always know how to cope with both.
The beauty of life in living still touches my soul deeply as everyday longs for more, more of ‘what’ who knows, but more ‘more’ is the very least we can all ever hope for…
Looking forward is sometimes harder than it seems.
The ‘unknown’ equally as daunting, worrying and exciting as it is and always should be, but one we need to embrace while we can.
Each day is a gift, one we often forget we’re lucky to have.
“Memories of better times, pass me by the sea,
I watch their gentle fleeting sails, leading them to be.
We wait and hope they stop a while, and touch our lives one day,
Reflections of the things we love, shine in every way…“
Simon A.Rawicz – 9/04/2019
Write or wrong? 