It was always going to be a strange day, I woke wondering why a pair of socks always either becomes 1, or 3…
I have a house full of the damned things, somewhere.
No idea where but I know they’re somewhere, lurking in the shadows, taunting me daily as I stumble round the house with either an odd pairing which makes me look like some sort of mentally deficient teenager, unable to dress myself properly, or like an attention seeking foot fetishist who’s trying to show off.
I’ve taken to searching in everything these days, from the biscuit barrel to my guitar cases, in plant pots to that drawer under the oven that men rarely even know exist.
No point looking in my sock draw, that’s a fact.
Last time I stared into that clusterf*ck of a pandoras box I was just left bemused and thinking to myself, ‘so who f*cking lives here then if not me, and who’s socks are these?’…
These definitely aren’t my socks. Some maybe, admittedly it’s been about 6 months since I last wore socks here in Greece, but last I knew, my memories not that bad!
Or is it?
Maybe I’m in the wrong house? Nope, that checks out. Maybe I’m dreaming, nope, still wearing one sock and who the hell dreams about wearing one sock, or maybe it’s a flashback or some alien mind probe affecting my reality.
Been there, got the T-Shirt, so no, no aliens this time, and I bet if they were present, they’d be wearing one sock too.
Ok, what’s happening?
Then your mind starts to wander, to wonder, (well mine does, did). Still is… Can’t remember on what exactly, but there was definitely an element of pondering going off though and lots of it unless I’m very much mistaken.
So, why don’t they just sell socks in pairs of three and be done with it?
You clearly can’t just buy an ‘odd‘ sock anywhere, not that I’m aware of anyway, if you could you’d be rich beyond your wildest dreams if you owned that shop, and meanwhile they won’t let you exchange them for losing one either, even if you have no recollection of when where or how the damned thing buggered off in the first place.
Options are few my little odd sock compadres.
Chances are most people always buy more than one pair of socks anyway for this exact reason, but in reality what you have is one pair of socks a spare complete with one which will go missing no matter what.
You never own ‘two pairs’ of the same socks. Once you step out the store you’re already on the clock. Some of you might not even make it home with all of them, hell I bet some people don’t even make it out the shop without losing one.
If they at least sold ‘pairs of socks‘ as three’s then at least if you bought two pairs you’d at least have two pairs of socks and two spares. Not bad, because you know at least one of them is going and even if two did, you still have two pairs good to go! Not a bad trade off in the grand scheme of things is it?
In a perfect world where socks were three a pair (can you imagine!!!), if they then did a ‘buy two get one free‘ deal at least then you’d end up with 4 & 1/2 traditional pairs of socks, so even when the inevitable happens and maybe 3 go missing, you’ve still got your ‘original‘ three pairs of socks… Genuis I know right!
So let’s talk Pants…
Time to chew the fat, what the hell is going on with a ‘pair of pants‘, what’s THAT all about…?
I’ve spent most of my life never ever losing a ‘pant‘, but I always only end up with one on.
They’re sold as a ‘pair of pants‘, they’re given us as a ‘pair of pants‘ and they are worn as a ‘pair of pants‘, and yet nestled snugly around my nether lands, (not to be confused with Holland, obviously), is a pant. Not two, one supposed ‘pair of pants‘…
We all probably remember being told as kids by our mums or nans to “always make sure we’ve got on a clean ‘pair of pants‘ in case we get hit by a bus”.
Nevermind the fact that they’ve just lost a family member, we don’t want the neighbours scraping you and those nasty undercrackers of the sidewalk and them gossiping about your dirty underpants.
Never remember them saying “dont get hit by a bus or steam roller etc”, just be sure you’re wearing clean pants for when it WILL clearly happen… Sounds to me like they are expecting it.
Suddenly find out your mums a part time bus driver, you know you better be good for Christmas…
Priorities still in check I see!
So yes, even ‘underpants‘ are plural. Under-pants, I get it. Whatever they are, they are under – your – pants. This implies the Americanised word for trousers ‘obviously’, so why not undertrousers, and the debate, the conspiracy deepens, ‘Trousers‘ – but I only wear ONE!!!
Like WTF is wrong with people!?
So where’s the other one suddenly gone?
According to the legend I put a pair on, and yet only take one off…
There’s is definitely something supicious afoot, and I’m not just talking about my odd sock either.
I digress, back to socks.
I wake, I put two on, wear two comfortably all day, get home (assuming I’ve been out, obviously, otherwise I’m still at home), no need to nip out just to come back where I started off at in the beginning, and so after the whole ‘going/coming‘ thing, we inevitably get on to the undressing business, (not that it’s a business either, It’s not like I’m a stripper or anything), but meanwhile, something untoward happens…
I’ve now begun to think that I should publish my findings in ‘Science Monthly‘ or on ‘IFLS‘ as I know I’m not the only one who suffers such bizarre occurances, and once I’ve collated all relevant data I will be able to confirm if it’s the paranormal, some scientific anomaly, or my cats hiding them in the middle of the night, (which I’m not ruling out either).
However there has been times in my life when I had no Cats so it can’t be them, I did have goldfish once, and an aquarium previously in the UK, but that’s pushing the boundaries of realism. I can’t see a tank full of guppies coordinating a sock theft in the middle of the night, nah. That’s just ludicrous.
So, I now have (5) camera’s set up around the house :
1 – Sock CAM 01 – Left sock.
2 – Sock CAM 02 – Right sock.
3 – Wash basket CAM 03.
4 – Hall CAM 04.
5 – Washing machine CAM 05.
Woke up after day one of my experiment and found that one sock and all my camera’s had gone but the worse thing was that the sock they’d taken had been replaced by a Simpsons sock that went missing 10 years ago…The day after wearing them for the first time too!
Personally I think it’s the buggers who are selling them us in the first place. Seriously!
They sneak back into our homes like some kind of Anti-Santa Claus Ninja Dudes and screw with our minds.
Maybe there’s a world sock shortage or something but they’re just keeping it shtumm and the only way to keep the industry afloat is to resort to this devious Reposession scam that we’re none the wiser to.
Meanwhile, back to my pant conundrum…
Aren’t we supposeldy getting smarter these days? Well, ok, maybe the wrong question to ask online these days, but in general, aren’t we hoping to evolve and incorporate all we know and learn into a penultimate and highly efficient state of being as a society, as people?
If so, then why has no one thus far addressed this whole pant issue?
Is it an Education matter which the schools should be on board with from the offset, or is it a Parental issue, something unable to be dealt with impartially due to our own parents involvement in the confusion in the first place.
Personally I bet if we had Snoop Dog getting his ‘Biatches’ to tackle the matter in one of his latest videos then we’d all get a load of that, after all his ho’s have got their pants all up in that booty… (yeah, I’m down wid da kids). Fo real.
Twerk that pant mama… Something you don’t hear very often, fo shizzle…
All my life I’ve been vexed by my pants and why whenever I’ve meant to wear a ‘pair of pants‘, I’ve only ever had one on!
For years as a child I’d sneak off to the bathroom, strip down to my ‘pants‘, (behave), and search myself with the ruthlessness of a US customs official searching a Syrian Lingerie model, and the only thing I’d find other than mother natures mischief set was one ‘pant‘.
This lingering nightmare still lingers to this day. Is it me? Am I the only person wearing one pair of said ‘pant‘. I darent ask anyone I know for fear of unleashing a global panic if it isn’t in fact just me.
Not that I’m unduly worried by what people I know might think if I do ask, hell, they know me, me worrying about something as simple and mundane as my pants would be a welcome blessing to most, trust me.
If you’ve read any of my other material, you’ll probably agree and the general consencus would probably be one of relief.
So where is my other pant?
Did I lose it as a child I ask myself. Are we given a mystical ‘pair of pants‘ as a child and all destined to lose one no matter what, as part of a strange initiation thing set up by our parents, or it is just part of growing up, as a child we absorb them, seamlessly becoming a symbiotic entity, living in harmony forevermore, ensuring that whenever we then put on a ‘pair of pants‘ (which lets not kid ourselves is just a ‘pant‘), allows for their true union to be blessed?
This new relationship forming whenever we wear all subsequent pants, uniting them in the elusive and ever mystical ‘pair of pants‘ that no one can ever fecking understand.
Because when someone does actually buy you a ‘pair of pants‘, ie two ‘pairs of pants‘ , which is really just two ‘pant‘ ,(see, this is getting complicated now), you don’t then put both of those on together when you get dressed do you? Otherwise in theory you’d be putting on two ‘pairs of pants‘, which is four pant’s, (two pairs of a ‘pair of pants‘), and when you then get undressed, by default you’d lose two pant’s…
So, after all that, the end result was that I spent the rest of the day in my one sock and a mankini… Which was nice.