Well, I feel at some point in life I just might owe my (potential) future children a few words of either apology, or explanation. This is one such day.
In fact, if I’m honest, I’m fairly sure I will…So this is probably part 1, of many…
At present, you are still safe in the confines of my boxer shorts as I still haven’t had the good fortune or grace to have actually found the woman of my dreams just yet.
I thought I had, more than once, but things were never to be, life gets harder, people change, and yes, women are crazy.
Not all. I haven’t met them all, but I’m assuming in good faith that a few might have remained untainted. How you find these is beyond me, science, technology and religion, however the search goes on.
Not that all men are perfect either, they’re not, I can only speak for myself… (no comment, please).
So, as my experiences with women continue, I can only assume one of two outcomes may prevail in the near to distant future…
I turn gay and adopt.
Or, I lobotimise the right woman on the first date and or possibly even the wrong woman without a date.
As the odds sadly are increasingly stacked in this favour, at present I expect the romantic story about how me and your ‘future’ mother met involve a bottle of chloroform, a van and happily ever after. But, romance is romance, who am I not to play Cupid to her Aphrodite.
People say romance is dead, it’s not, it’s just been temporarily knocked the f*ck out.
Those who’ve been in love will be familiar with this feeling, it’s one or the other at times and half the time you’re never sure which. C’est la vie, so I’m told…
Depending upon the current circumstances of your mother and me still being together, or me and your ‘other dad’ still being (married/together/not in prison/or whatever the social convention at the time is) – then all is well and I may still have the chance to reassure you and impart some words of wisdom to you whilst I still have chance.
On the off chance I chose another crazy one (more than 50/50 to be fair), then I suspect the stories you’ll have heard will have far more entertainment value than actual substance, but who knows.
I fortunately haven’t crossed that bridge yet but one day still aspire to at some point, but either way still hope to at least have access to you or see you regularly.
Well, at present men/women have divided into some sort of scientific and genetic subgroup, (not sure how or why really), so I can’t even expect that your mother/adopted father will still be classed as male or female anyway, certainly not by the time you read this!?
I’m sure in the future this will all make sense to you, but right here, right now, not so sure with it all myself…
Years ago when I was growing up and just discovering my sexuality, a woman without a penis was quite a catch… Beards were a mostly male pursuit and women didn’t try and beat you up for opening the door for them. Men aspired to be gentlemen and women aspired to be ladies.
How things have changed.
So, you’re probably wondering about the food?
Well kids, to be honest I’ve always loved cooking. Creatively I’ve always enjoyed making some pretty awesome food fusion dishes, combined with my other half, your (mum/dad/whatever), it was always so damned good that to be honest, we just didn’t want to miss out on any and decided to feed you the socially conventional food that most parents poison their kids with in today’s society.
E-numbers, sugar fuelled fat riddled junk food and crisps, it shut you up and took no thought at the time and allowed your short attention span to develop to a stage where you soon got bored arguing with us and grew up into what you are now.
Some food is just too good to share. You’ll learn this as you grow up and have kids of your own, and trust me, if it wasn’t for the sex , I’d have been eating alone most of the time anyway…
In 2016 the world is slowly decriminalising Cannabis and so if you can imagine the options this now provides, you’ll surely understand just how lucky you were we fed you in the first place.
Obviously, this may sound cruel but at least you stopped crying and were just as hyper active and mentally deficient as the rest of your school friends. The flipside to this is that you weren’t picked on or fat shamed unless you obviously piled weight on for being lazy twats and doing nothing as everyone by now was all the same.
Who’s Santa Clause, Jesus Christ and where does Tupac fit into it all?
Well, now you’re old enough to understand it’s only fair I tell you.
There are certain aspects of life that at present, society deems necessary to brainwash their children with, lies which undermine you as you grow and develop into the sociopathic little monsters they want you to be, only to then wonder why as an adult, lying and being deceitful are so common amongst people.
So, we were brutally honest with you from the beginning and kept you from Santa Clause, the Tooth fairy, Jesus Christ and all the other stories parents blackmailed their children with…
Don’t worry, if you misbehave, you’re still going to hell, but on me or your mothers terms, not some jumped up cloud dwelling super being who only appears when it supposedly suits them.
I’m sure by now you’ll have had chance to look into some of these entities yourselves but you can’t rely on wikipedia for all the facts.
Santa Clause :
A hugely obese unemployed scrounger and fashion concious paedophile who sexted children all over the world for the promise of them sitting on his ‘knee’ and being given something ‘special’ if they were good. Needless to say, Rolf Harris and Jimmy Saville were also alleged to do the same and hopefully you understand why we kept you from tales of this evil child predator when your friends, their parents and the rest of the world were blackmailed into complying with the stereotypical behavioural pre-programmed numptys that unfortunately still walk the Earth.
Jesus Christ :
Soap dodging self righteous do gooder, hell bent on bringing down the Roman empire and famous for being the worlds first Super Zombie, and yet despite this, people worldwide still celebrate his birth and death.
Except he didn’t die, obviously, he just overslept for a couple of days and carried on as usual. Chocolate Easter Eggs and crosses are the Churches main hard sell and a book called the Bible that you may have heard of by now too help indoctrinate the rest of the weak willed people who require an antiquated view of the modern world to instruct them and how they should or shouldn’t behave.
Responsible for more loss of life globally and still expect you to give the gold hoarding Priests all your hard cash to stick you in a hole in the ground when you die. You can’t make it up, seriously…
So, I think it’s self explanatory why we sheltered you from this nightmare when you were young, the norm is to brainwash you as soon as they can, attempt to drown you in a font when you’re born, recite sacrificial hymns as you grow older and feed you special ‘bread’ when you attend weekly sermons in the hope that you convert others into hating other religions, non believers and gays.
Not sure what gays ever did against the Church but they’ve been trying to lop their sausages off for Centuries…
Tupac Shakur :
Tupac is largely considered as the black Jesus Christ. He’s famous for making the mama’s ‘ hot & wet’ and promoting backseat love making in the US, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor etc etc.
He was also responsible for Police brutality, race riots and ‘white niggas’ thinking they was black (depending on who you talk to, obviously), unfortunately gunned down on the Strip in Las Vegas when half the US was attending a Tyson fight, and no one saw sh*t…
So, it’s the anniversary of his birth this week and the only reason I sheltered you all from this was so that you wouldn’t fall victim to the belief that there is Justice in the world.
To quote Chris Rock, “if you want to get away with murder, you just need to shoot someone in the head and put a demo tape in their top pocket.”
So if you learn anything from this kids, my old demo tapes are in the wall unit in the front room. Use them wisely…
But use them.