So at what point did falling in love become an issue?

Love where art thou?

It’s probably me. In fact, I’m sure if you ask the right people, it definitely is me, but how come trying to fall in ‘love’ becomes nigh on impossible the older you get?

I mean, it’s like the single most beautiful experience you can ever hope to feel in your life and yet trying to find someone to share it with is like trying to arm wrestle  an Octopus.

What happened to all our accrued wisdom on the matter, all our ‘savvy quoi faire’ and all that jazz.

The minute you come face to face with a potential suitor the Universe gives you a wedgie and you suddenly become a moron, unable to decipher the simplest of things between the two of you without looking, sounding or acting like a complete arse, (again, probably just me) but maybe I am not alone…?

Maybe that is love though!?

Maybe the ‘not having a clue’ and having your IQ reduced to that of a wet lettuce is all a part of the deal. The expectation of knowing what to do or say at times being vacuumed from our minds and replaced with the ‘Idiots handbook on how not to say or do the right thing’ instead.

It works for me, apparently!

It’s like ‘Hi, here’s the woman of your dreams, time to have a lobotomy’.

To the women it must be a case of ‘Hi, here’s just the kind of guy you’ve been dreaming of, lets replace all the good things that could happen, and replace them  with every nightmare you’ve ever experienced before, and assume he’s the same’.

You try and fall for someone you really like and if you’re lucky enough to find someone where there is a true chemistry between the two of you, there’s often the invisible language barrier to then deal with.

This could be cultural, language itself, or even body language messing with your mind. The ability to say something you mean, coupled with their inability to accept what you say doesn’t help either, not to mention the ‘past’ nightmares being projected onto you at every stage.

FFS, we’re not all the same!

It applies to both parties too though, this I do know. Personally, I try and approach the matter with a clear mind. I’m a man, it’s easy apparently from what I hear most women saying about the subject…

Sometimes you have to format your brain and your heart if you’re to truly find something pure  in someone new you meet because lets face it, over the years we all have baggage. Admittedly, some come with several handlers, a couple of trolleys and a number of guards to smack you up every time you try and get close, but what can you do.

Have you met my Monkey, he’s called Spank?

Sadly, until Japan perfects robot sex slaves, we’re all destined to be doomed, single or miserable. All three is also an option for the dedicated, but let’s go easy on how much time we spend suffering the effects of being as we are.

I’ve been single a while now, (awwww, I know right? Hint!). I did the dating game once or twice when I was younger and either bombed out or couldn’t handle the issues between the mentally deranged psychopaths I was attracted to at the time or gave up as their madness was seemingly contagious.

I’ve also tried the online dating thing too in the past and similarly more recently have had the fortune to find what can only be described as the woman of my dreams, and yet when we do, it’s rarely a mutual meeting of minds, bodies or understanding and one that comes with no manual. Plus if it seems it is all you actually hope for, your delusional.

Of course I have still yet to wake from my dream and see if this could be real but who knows, maybe this time eh?

I know the answer already, obviously, I’m awake, skilled as I may be in many things, writing in my sleep isn’t one of them. So, on with the post.

Sure, they all think they have a manual. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy girl fall in love and boy girl can’t express sh*t without falling out all the time for no reason, for a valid reason or for stupid reasons which aren’t even apparent at the time!

At best it is relatively innocent and light hearted when you’re young, because you haven’t had chance to have loved someone enough to fully hate them yet! As you age, trust me, you have.

To quote Chris Rock :

If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain’t been in love, and the only thing that’s stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI:

“Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.”

Only then have you been in Love…

Arguments over the simplest of things can soon easily escalate into War inducing rants, dragging passers by into the fray, old ladies willingly jumping in because their husbands died a few years ago and they just miss a good argument every now and again, to people just being overly defensive, overly sensitive or too stupid over the simplest of things.

God is a bastard. There, I said it.

It all started in that damned Garden of his, Adam’s snake impregnating Eve’s apple at the Christmas party and now we all pay…

If there’s likely to ever be a problem over anything or anyone in the world, you can be pretty sure there’s some God overlooking it whilst it happens.


Much obliged numbnuts, like all those godly powers didn’t allow for some divine intervention you sick f*ck?

Oh, and you want me to worship you and go to confession for you watching me do the stupid thing YOU watched me do, DO YOU…

Hmmmm, Religion, where to start… Great book, no love story and all mostly written by men, say no more…

Like life isn’t hard enough without Men having a Penis and women coming from Mars, it’s no wonder we’re all stressed in this day and age.

Elsewhere, Scientists are creating mini-black holes in labs and training Nanobots to write Poetry, but can they fall in love?

Well, some might I guess. I’m sure there’s some study somewhere, done by other scientists on the subject of ‘scientists falling in love’. Academics all over the world will be googling the answers and formulating their own misunderstood interpretation of the results and then debating them endlessly without understanding the principle anyway as the rest of us chase the dream.

So at least we have that to look forward to!

Meanwhile, people we meet are all projecting their last nightmare experience onto you before you even get close. Assumptions, misunderstandings and the fear of being hurt each add a new brick to the wall slowly going up between the two of you as you enter the so called ‘romantic’ stage of whatever the hell it is you’re supposed to be going through.

Ah, love… Where art thou?

Probably behind the sofa. I find all kind of things behind the sofa. I haven’t looked there for love because it seems too absurd that I’d actually find it behind the sofa, but, having tried just about everywhere else I hoped it to be, maybe it’s a case of the ‘last place you look’.

As for what has become of being kind, caring and compassionate these days, well, it’s like someone’s put a randomiser on the very essence of what you try and do for people. You act in their best interests and try not to rush into their world and they complain you’re acting like you lose interest, you do the romantic things and write and share your emotions and they either think your crazy or get confused by it all, and if you try and wait for them to show their feelings, then you die of old age as they drag up every single particle of resistance to not show their affections to you because they are still unsure about your words, thoughts, and dreams and don’t want to rush into anything unless you make a fool of yourself first.

Who says romance is dead.

The first question should be ‘Are you emotionally able to get close to someone without a world breaking amount of circus hoops to jump through’, and if so, ‘would you actually recognise someone falling in love with you before or after they hit you across the side of your head with a wet fish Monty Python stylee?’

The answer in most cases is ‘Erm, and maybe’. Trust me, I know.

You try and give them space and it’s like your suddenly being ignorant. When you hope to hear from them and you don’t, they moan about it because firstly you didn’t get in touch and can’t understand why you’re vexed because they carry on with their lives like you don’t exist, occasionally sending a quick, ‘hi, still alive are we then? Nice, so why didn’t you get in touch?’, this naturally after laying down the law about them being fiercely single independent women and sick of feeling like possessions and being owned.

Option 2 is that they got to this stage because when you did show an interest they get all crazy because they  now don’t know how they ‘feel’ about you yet. It’s too soon, I can’t concentrate etc etc, I’m not ready for this blah, blah, blah nonsense…

Then there’s the tease, they want the cake and then slap your hand for putting cake in your mind, so you now want cake too!?

It’s cake? What’s the problem. At this point when you’ve met someone you supposedly like, to coin a phrase, “let them eat cake”…

Cake is to be had.

And lots, preferably before it goes bad, stale or someone else eats it.

If you’re lucky, good cake can last a long time, plus you can always add toppings, dip it in Nutella, custard and any number of exotic things to make it last for quite some time beyond the ‘have it all now date’.

To deny yourself the cake when you both want cake should be made a criminal offence. Plus, you can always pick at the cake, maybe have the cherry on the top without having a full portion, either way, just have some damn cake.

Yes, it’s been a while since I had some cake. Needless to say, there’s going to be one happy baker when I do get to having my cake, that’s for sure.

And yes, I’m not literally taking about cake, despite mentioning cake as I have. I can see why so many women turn to cake, chocolate and Haagen Daas when this vexes some so much, but seriously, lets just deal with that cake while we can shall we?

Love is like a game at best, one with no rules, no boundaries, no limits, and no mercy if it strikes true.

We each feel it differently, but love should be all encompassing, all consuming and all powerful, otherwise is it really love?

Lust is a different beast all together. Pure carnal desire, unbridled passion and all the magic of the moment is great in it’s own right, but to have it with love, in parallel is real fortune and something we all must surely secretly strive for.

Then there’s the ‘Strong feelings’, nice, but really they are neither here nor there in all fairness, I have strong feelings for Naan bread,  but I prefer to dunk it in something when I can, you know, a nice curry even a salsa if I have to. To say it’s non committal is somewhat of an understatement. Most women have stronger feelings for their shoes and handbags than they do many of their boyfriends, lovers, husbands or partners, so wise up if you think telling us you have ‘Strong feelings’ for us lights our flame.

Then there’s ‘liking’ someone. Great to start with, you have to begin somewhere and there’s always the innocent hope for more to come, unless of course this has gone on for too long and before you know it you’re now in the ‘friend zone’. And not the ‘friends with cake zone’ either, and that really sucks.

So how can people fall in love?

Love at first sight?

A bit cliche and discriminates against blind people. Upside, your drawn to them physically one way or another, downside, that’s the initial and only reason why you were drawn to them. Like a great looking car with a 50cc engine under the hood, disappointment could be huge over time once you start the engine but at least visually one of your senses is always happy I guess.

Love letters and online dating?

Not enough evidence to support it and it requires intense knowledge of the person, upside is that you get to truly fall for the person rather than the image, downside, they could be a fat Asian guy in North Korea pretending to be your dream woman…

How was I to know, after all he called himself ‘Kim’!!!


Well, not socially acceptable, easy to get hold of and results in far too much publicity once the Feds track you down. Upside, if you ‘fall in love’ with a celebrity or someone else you idolise in this way, the sentence is probably justified in your own mind regardless. Downside, second times not going to be so easy.

Astrology, Fate and Destiny?

Who knows. Apart from Astrology obviously, how lord knows how many billion people can fall into 12 categories is borderline as ridiculous as Religion is if you think about it, and so if we rationalise this in a purely scientific manner, I’d have to go with Chloroform…

Women, The Universe, and Lettuce…

There are some things we are just not meant to understand.


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Simon Rawicz says:

    Reblogged this on E's a Dude & the Gang – Keeping it Real… and commented:

    Love thyself, but not in public. They have laws against that kind of thing…


  2. Pingback: Write or wrong?

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